These Words from A Dad Which Helped Me when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

However the actual experience quickly proved to be "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support while also caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The direct words "You are not in a good place. You must get support. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more comfortable addressing the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges dads face.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger reluctance to communicate amongst men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of being weak to ask for help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the opportunity to ask for a pause - going on a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen was without stable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, confide in a friend, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that made you feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and where possible, getting some sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help isn't failing - prioritising you is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their issues, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… processing things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my role is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering as much as you are in this journey."